WORTH / SINGLE LIFE
A life can be fully underway while love remains an open question
By Kyle Patrick MPA/MSW
Illustrative photograph: DragonImages / Motion Array.
Picture a familiar exchange. You tell a friend about the apartment you finally found, the course you're enjoying, or the excellent weekend you had. He smiles, waits for a pause, and asks the question he apparently considers the actual news.
“So, are you seeing anyone?”
You weren't aware your entire update had been the opening act for a man who isn't here.
The question can be affectionate. Perhaps your friend knows you want a relationship. Perhaps dating is something you usually enjoy discussing. What wears thin is the assumption that every other part of your life is background information until somebody agrees to share a toothbrush holder.
After thirty, that assumption can acquire a deadline. Friends marry, separate, marry again, and somehow your unchanged relationship status is the one that requires an explanation. You can be building a business, caring for a parent, learning a language, or simply having a decent year. Still single, though. As if the rest were a very elaborate holding pattern.
Sometimes the progress report comes from inside the house.
You meet a man you like, and before you know whether you enjoy a whole afternoon together, you feel relief. Finally, something to report. Finally, a reason to stop wondering what your singleness says about you.
That relief can make an ordinary disappointment harder to recognize. He cancels again. You do most of the asking. You leave the date feeling smaller, but at least there was a date. Losing him would also mean losing the explanation you had begun preparing for everyone else.
Wanting a partner deserves more room than that. It deserves to be about the man: whether you enjoy him, want him, trust him, and like the life that begins to take shape between you. A relationship has enough work to do without also serving as proof that you are progressing correctly.
The life that isn't waiting
Imagine a man looking at a lease. He likes the neighborhood. He can afford the rent. The morning light is ridiculous. Then he hesitates: what if he meets someone and they want somewhere else?
A possible future boyfriend has acquired veto power over the windows. He hasn't even introduced himself.
Of course we consider the future when making decisions. But there is a difference between leaving room for change and withholding things we can use now. A home, a celebration, or a decision about where to live can belong to the person making it today. A later relationship will meet a life already in motion.
That life won't look the same everywhere. One man lives alone; another shares with relatives or friends. Someone can date openly, while someone else protects his privacy carefully. Moving out, traveling alone, or announcing that you are happily single may be unavailable, unsafe, expensive, or simply unappealing. None is an entrance requirement for taking your own life seriously.
The useful decision is the one actually in front of you. How do you want to use your space? What commitment would you make if you weren't waiting to see whether a partner approved? Which part of the week keeps getting reserved for a date that hasn't been arranged?
You can leave Friday open because you enjoy the possibility. You can also buy the concert ticket. There isn't a committee handing out points for either choice.
Wanting more without dismissing what is here
There will be evenings when singlehood feels lonely. You may want sex, companionship, a shared history, or someone who knows how you take your coffee without turning it into an interview. Being told to “love yourself first” can feel particularly fucking unhelpful when you already do and would also enjoy being kissed.
You don't have to perform contentment to defend your life. Nor does a lonely evening prove that everything would be better with a partner. It tells you what you are missing that evening. You can take the feeling seriously without making it a verdict on the whole arrangement.
And when a friend asks about dating, you can answer and still return to the news you wanted to share. “Nobody at the moment. But ask me about the course—I made something I'm proud of.” Give him a chance to stay interested in the life that is happening.
Love may change that life beautifully. You are allowed to want it. Meanwhile, there are choices to make, pleasures to have, and windows worth noticing.
You don't need a boyfriend to make your news count.
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